Sorry, I left out the interesting bits. But I mean...check out those shoulders, amiright? (But seriously, she has really lovely shoulders.)
If you’ve drawn breath over the past few days, you’ve heard all the furor and fawning over Kim Kardashians spread (pun not intended, she kept them legs together) for Paper magazine. She and the editors of said publication have named the whole endeavor, Break the Internet, because...of course, they have. I haven’t read the profile. I think it could be easily argued that most who have partaken of the pictures didn’t get to the fine print, either. (Not that there couldn't be A LOT of depth there. Who am I to judge? I LOVED the first season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Confession over.) I won’t be linking to the pictures here because yawwwwwwwn. For those two people that haven’t viewed them, I will just say Kim K is nuded up frontways, backways and all that bare skin is shined with some hybrid of baby oil and autobody finish. For some reason, it seems like a material that would have a lot of application in the space program.
“Houston, the module won’t disengage.”
“Houston here, have you tried that stuff they used on Kim? That will disengage ANYTHING.”
The reactions seem to run the gamut from the superficially deep (what can we learn about society by observing the actions of a woman that society observes while observing society observing) to the superficially self-righteous (That bimbo should be ashamed of herself! God is watching! PLUS! She has a husband! She has children! And cats! Why does no one ever think about the damage done to the housepets!). Of course, there is also a lot of good old-fashioned lust and LOL YOU GO, GIRL! thrown in for good measure.
And I know some of my readers expect me to write about it at length. To analyze the woman and the culture and maybe even the bottom (but seriously folks, you could bounce a whole stack of quarters off that baby). Here’s the thing, though.
I just don’t care.
And you shouldn’t, either. Not really. Not beyond a glance, or a not glance, or a laugh or a not laugh. Because, to use internet terms here, we all only have so much bandwidth. If you use all your care on things like shiny bottoms, you will miss out on the things that really matter. And, may the saints preserve us, there are so many things that matter.
So. Five Things That Are Actually Worth Breaking the Internet Over
1. Last Weekend 12 Women in India Died After Being Given Tainted Medicine At A Sterilization Fair. In rural India, most women do not have access to birth control. In a bid to control the size of the population, the Indian government goes into these rural communities and pays women $10 (two days wages) to become sterilized. Doctors perform up to 300 sterilizations a day in abandoned clinics. In this case the women were sent home immediately after the surgery with drugs that killed them within hours. The tainted drugs are a huge problem. I would argue the deprivation that led to their use is a bigger one. You want to be sterilized? Great! But its only great if that is something you've chosen. It is not great if poverty and a lack of options for other methods of contraception forced it. Hey, here’s an idea. What if we all decided to make the effort to get these women cheap (or even FREE!) birth control something we shouted about? Wouldn’t that be a worthy way expenditure our voices, clicks, deeeeeep thoughts and cash?
2. The UN is discussing whether or not it should challenge the United States’ right to legalize pot. Okay, okay. You got me. I don’t do drugs, so why should I care? Well, it is interesting isn’t it? The clash between a world body and a world power. Should outside sources be able to tell us what goes into Mike’s special brownies? And if we answer “YES!” simply because we don’t like pot, then what else are we answering “YES!” to in the future? The future is based on precedence and it is very possible that in defending a lil toking up now and then we are also defending greater, more personally important rights.
3. Breast Ironing is a real thing. And no one is talking about it because, like, who wants to talk about breasts that aren’t all bouncy and giggly and make you feel good inside, you know? (Okay, breasts don’t giggle. But you know there’s a few pairs that wanna.)
4. What about this fun study from the Geena Davis Institute on female representation in film? “Girls and women are missing. There are 2.24 male characters for every female character. Only 30.9% of the speaking characters are female. China, Germany, Korea, and the UK have the highest depictions of female characters. Korea has the highest percentage of female leads or co-leads. UK films that are not co-productions with the US have a much better rate of gender parity. As the study notes, “as U.S. studio money comes in, females are pushed out.” Hey. Our girls can’t become what they don’t see. Wanna talk about that?
5. As our government agencies become more and more isolated from the voice of the people, brutality and corruption begin to rage. The first hurt are the underprivileged, but they will not be the last. (And why aren’t we shouting for the first???)
Okay, And then one as a freebie because not everything has to be the serious all the the times....
This guy’s rendition of I Will Always Love You. And yeah, this video is about a million years old. And no it never gets less dreamy. And yes we should all be talking about it always. And, of course, you’re welcome.
Now, let's get out there and make sure that when we break the internet we make it count.