Yesterday, was a long day. No real reason. Just one too many trips to craft stores I don't like with one too many crying girls I am doing my best to love right. At one point in an aisle at Michaels, Zuzu said, "Mom, why are you whispering when you talk to us?"
"I'm whispering because everything feels very loud to me right now. When I whisper I feel more quiet inside."
"Well, stop! You're freaking me out. It's time to be medium loud. MEDIUM LOUD!"
And then she asked for a package of foam balls and I nearly lost it.
By bath time, things had mainly come around. The girls played in the water while I sat with my head against the sink. Breathing in and out and very nearly ready to decide I could do it all again tomorrow and do it better even. I felt like I needed to see something beautiful. After a few missteps, I ended up on Brian Kershisnik's instagram account. Brian is one of my favorite local artists. His paintings speak to my most deeply held emotions in a way that few others ever do. Yesterday was no exception.
My goodness. That is motherhood in one painting. The good, the bad, the sacred, the things we cling to and the things we run away from, even if just for a little while. The need and take and give back. Sitting there listening to the sound of my girls splash, I felt understood.
I am smothered by love. I am restrained by love. I am built over by love. I am shellacked in love. I am fixed by love. I am an edifice of love. And despite everything, I chose it today and I will choose it tomorrow.
Because I am in love.