I started watching The Bachelorette a few weeks ago. It was vacuous. It was a little slimy. It was TWO HOURS LONG. And I loved it. Ate it up like a bucket full of movie theater popcorn and then found myself asking, Please sir. Can I have some more?
I am not proud.
After wrestling with my soul I decided I could continue to follow Chris Harrison and his knowing smile if I found a life lesson in every episode I watched. Because that totally makes everything alright.
Last night, Ms. Emily took to the streets of London with her gaggle of boys. There were the obvious abuses of England's capital city. The producers of the show must have read London's wikipedia page before hopping over the pond. The most cringe inducing was the lover and her lovers performing Romeo and Juliet in the park. Thank Heavens, Shakespeare wrote all those totally, like, awesome plays because it totally meant Ryan got to give Emily the sweetest (on screen in a reality TV game show pretending at matchmaking) kiss that I ever did see. I began to worry. Shakespeare in the park? Pubs and Pints? Where was my life lesson? My reason for watching? My rationalization for my addiction needed support and I was not finding it.
Until, Emily took awe-shucks Sean on a one on one date to some of England's most historically noteworthy sites.
Bachelorette Life Lesson #2: As a society we are far removed from the people and events that came before us. At worst, we are completely ignorant of their existence. At best, we consider their stories quaint little traditions.
Exhibit A: Emily and Sean wondered through Hyde Park, completely aimlessly (I am sure) until surprise! they bumped right into Speakers Corner. Since 1872 that corner has been a place where people could stand and shout out their beliefs, debate politics and gather together in protest free of (much) restraint. Yes, that corner has seen its share of crazies. When I went to Hyde Park the loudest speaker was a gentleman that wore a moon on his head and insisted that the truth is indeed out there. But it has also hosted George Orwell, Lenin, William Morris, and Karl Marx. (Okay, some of those crazies, too. Albeit historically important ones.) People spoke for their beliefs and their lives there. It was a temple to thought and one of the basic rights of man. And sometime last spring, The Speakers Corner, that last bastion of free speech in a world being overrun with regulation and thought police, hosted Sean, ,lBachelorette Contestant #100 million. And he stood up and proclaimed his love for....love.
Exhibit B: Surely the Americans could go up to the history of the free English speaking world and pinch its' cheek just one more time. But where oh where to do it? I KNOW! Why not the Tower of London? It has stood since 1066 and has been both a symbol of strength and oppression (sometimes at the same time.) It has protected fair England and taken its citizens lives. But listen to this idea. We could send Emily and her beau on a date there! Sean could be her prisoner of love! And they could eat cold steak in the very room where Henry The 8th kept his wives before beheading them! Oh and bring lots of candles!
The floors have been stained with blood and the walls are full of stories but no matter, Sean got that rose.
Does anyone else feel like a zombie apocalypse must be imminent and it will start with people that watch The Bachelorette? I better warn Riley that I have put him in harms way.