I Believe

Every Knee Shall Bow by the ever lovely J. Kirk Richards

My dad is sick again. There are lesions up and down his spine and the doctors think there is a chance that the cancer has traveled to his brain. They are doing biopsies and brain scans today.

I am heartbroken. I think this time I may not be able to find all the pieces of that organ that beats in and out our lives. I think maybe the shattering was too great. That perhaps my heart will remain incomplete. And then it will hemorrhage love and life until I am left with the dusty shell of something that used to matter to me.

My first response to the news was a need to bear my testimony of Christ. My second response were words of anger and betrayal spit from a mouth that felt it would never be clean of them. If I’ve learned anything after years of failed math tests, it is to always go with my first response. So here it is, the only thing I hold in a time when everything is slipping from me.

I believe in Christ.

I believe that He was born to His mother, Mary. A woman of brilliance that understood the life her son would lead. I believe He is the Son of God.

I believe He preached the Lord’s word on this earth and I believe that He died to atone for my sins. An atonement that is so far reaching it makes us complete even in the sight of our sin, and for me right now, even in the depths of our despair. I am not alone. He died, for us, yes. But more importantly, oh so more importantly, He lives for us.

I believe that Christ was resurrected and I believe that that cross, that symbol of mortal agony was a mere stepping stone on His path to immortality.

I believe I am heard when I pray, even as the words that come from me sound more like gasps and sobs and Father, where art thou?

I believe in eternal families.

I believe in the ministration of angels.

I believe in mortal callings.

I believe in immortal callings.

I believe that we are here to love and give and learn until we are taken Home to love and give and learn some more.

I believe my God aches when I ache and rejoices when I rejoice.

I believe in a God that is made of a Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother and when I listen just closely enough I believe I can almost hear them weep as I weep.

I believe in grand truths that we can hold in our hands.

I believe in simple symbols that take us to a place where we can almost see that light that waits for each of us if our eyes could only open wide enough to see it.

I believe in the family here on earth. This wonderful unit I was given full of extraordinary personalities and intelligences that have taken me as their own and loved me despite everything that I am.

I believe my mother and father belong to me. They are mine and we are bound and there is no disease or accident or course of this little thing we call life that can do a damn thing to change that beautiful, soul saving truth.

I believe in the power of prayer even when the answer is, “no”.

I believe we are allowed to question and I believe we are allowed to be angry. Our Heavenly Father does not care how we approach Him, He only cares that we approach.

I believe in continuing and personal revelation.

I believe in a Holy Ghost that cares for us with a Mother’s love.

I believe in joy and creme brulee and the beauty of an existence marred by pain and confusion.

I believe that in the hands of a loving God, even a heart like mine, can learn to beat again.

I believe in the strength we are given as the literal progeny of divinity.

And I believe this life - so full of whispered hopes, tears that stain and not enough damn time - is worth every joyous and hurtful minute.

I believe.